You Can't Choose Who You Love
by wordweaver
Summary: Sometimes things aren't what they seem. If Sam loves Frodo, then why did he marry Rose Cotton? Here is Rosie's tale. (Mild Slash Warning)


Author's Note: Okay, no one who like the Sam Frodo pairing is very fond of Rosie, but if they were together (and in my tiny world they are) then why did Sam marry Rosie? What does Rosie think of the whole situation? I think I have most of the facts right, but if I missed something then let me know so I can fix it.  
  
Warning: This story contains some mild slash material. In this case it means two men who are in love with each other. If this kind of thing bothers you, then I suggest you go find yourself another story to read. Other than that, I welcome flames and praise alike.  
  
You Can't Choose Who You Love  
  
When I finished reading Mr. Frodo's account of the Ring I hated myself.  
  
No, it wasn't me I hated, it was the person that came into the story and broke up Sam and Mr. Frodo that I hated. For one who knew the romance that existed between the two, it seemed so obvious in the book, though I suppose if you're not looking for it you might miss it. None of the hobbits understood all the hints, because its considered un-hobbitish for two men to love each other. They never did notice the look Sam gets in his eyes when he sees Mr. Frodo. Or when Merry sees Pippin. But its there and I see it.  
  
Once the elves came to visit Sam. They knew, I could tell. They gave me mean looks as they sipped their tea and told Sam all sorts of tales. They all knew and they all hated me because I was with Sam instead of Mr. Frodo. They thought I could never love Sam as much as Mr. Frodo did, and therefore I didn't deserve to be with him at all.  
  
I wanted to run to them and grab them and shake them and yell, "Is it not an indication of my love that I am willing to give up everything so that the person I love can be free to be with the one he loves?" But I didn't. I bore their looks with downcast eyes and served them their tea. It wasn't their fault that I couldn't tell them the truth. So I decided to write my story, my version of how I came to be Rose Gamgee.  
  
They say you cannot choose who you love, and I know this is true. When we were young, Samwise Gamgee and I were the best of friends. I found him one day out in his garden while I was hunting for bush birds. He showed me a nest with some eggs in it and told me that if I came back every day, one day I would get to see the baby birds inside. So every day I came back, and every day he and I would sit by the bush and talk about all sorts of things while we waited. I would help him with his garden work, and he would show me how to give the mother bird gifts, worms and such for her babies, without her knowing we were interfering.  
  
Soon the whole town knew that we were friends. We were both curious people by nature and as we grew up together we started to talk about other things than bird and flowers. We told each other about everything that went on in out lives, all our problems, all those feelings young hobbits feel as they approach their coming of age. Then one day I looked at Sam and I realized that I loved him. I couldn't tell anyone else the things I could tell him, and no one else trusted me the way he did. It was nice to be needed, nice to feel liked. Even more than that, though, I loved to be with Sam. Whether it was talking to him or just lying beside each other staring at the treetops, I loved every moment I spent with him.  
  
One day we were lying on the hill behind Bag End, talking like we always do. I was so happy. I felt warm and safe with Sam's arm around me as we stared at the clouds, my head resting on his shoulder. We started talking about sex and love, wondering if we would ever find such a thing in our own lives, and if we did who would it be with. I didn't tell him how I felt because I kept waiting for him to say it. The whole town was talking about how we were going to be married one day, I never thought to doubt it. We laughed about it, joked about it, but we never took it seriously, skirting around the issue. I thought it was because he was scared. I knew I was.  
  
But that day, Sam rolled over and looked at me seriously.  
  
"Rosie, you know more about me than anyone else. I need to tell you something important."  
  
"Yes Sam?" Anticipation hung in the air.  
  
"You may think I'm horrible for this. That I'm a bad person, or sick or wrong, but I need to tell someone and I trust you not tell anyone, no matter what you think of it." I nodded. He looked away from me. "I'm in love with Mr. Frodo," he told me in a soft voice.  
  
My world fell apart in the space of a moment. I wanted to cry, but I knew I could not. I was silent for a long moment.  
  
Sam must have thought that I was disgusted with him because he started to babble. "I don't know why, its not as though I planned it. I just suddenly realized that I was looking at Mr. Frodo differently, and then I was thinking about him, you know how we talked about and...."  
  
"Sam, I understand. You can't choose who you love." If only he knew how well.  
  
I felt him relax. He started to talk to me about Mr. Frodo and all the things they had done together. All I could think was that Mr. Frodo had always been the only other person even near to as close to Sam as I was. I kept thinking about how I had never suspected it because they were both males, and yet now the one person I had never supposed Sam of having feelings for was the object the devotion I had always hoped would one day be mine.  
  
Sam and I talked long into the evening. I made sure he knew that I was his friend no matter what. I told him that whatever happened with Mr. Frodo, I would always be there. I made him promise to tell me everything that happened. He was so happy to be able to talk to someone he didn't notice that my eyes glistened with tears. He just gave me one of his big Sam hugs and told me I would be the first to know. For once the hug didn't lift my spirits.  
  
The next month Sam and Mr. Frodo left Hobbiton.  
  
The whole town was talking about how dreadful it was that he'd just gone and left me like that. My father raged for a few days about the rudeness of it all. I cried myself to sleep, because I was very sure that Sam was never coming back. Then I convinced myself that the only thing to do about it was to forget him. It was hard at first, but time passed by and soon I realized that I wasn't thinking about him nearly as much. I smiled more and more, and the ache in my chest faded until it was only a distant reminder of the friend who I had lost. By the time he came back, I thought that I no longer loved him, that I only remembered him fondly as a good friend. With all the commotion going on about with Sharkey and the ruffians, I scarcely had time to think of him.  
  
Then one afternoon he showed up on my doorstep and told us that he and Mr. Frodo and Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin were all back and they were going to rid us of those awful ruffians. When I saw him there, all dressed up and fancy like with weapons and all tied up at his waist, I was shocked and surprise. But then they were all fighting the ruffians and I still had no time to think about it all, or wonder how I felt.  
  
When all the commotion had died down, Sam came to my door and asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him. I said yes. I thought it would be just like old times. In a way it was.  
  
As we walked along, he told me all about their journey and the Ring. He told me his own part. And he told me the part that Mr. Frodo never wrote about, the day that he and Sam realized that they were in love. I didn't expect it to hurt. After all those years I had thought I was over him, but it hurt like a dagger through my chest. All the feelings I had repressed for all those years came rushing back. I told him that I didn't feel well and went home. He was concerned, and told me he would check on me the next day. I raced to my room before my father could say a word.  
  
If it wasn't bad enough to know the one I loved was in love with another, my father went on and on about how happy he was that Sam had returned to wed me proper. And every time I saw Sam or Mr. Frodo together I could feel their love vibrating in the air. It was a wonder that no one else noticed it, but then hobbits see what they want to see. I suppose I wasn't even surprised when Sam told me that Merry and Pippin were lovers as well. It seemed everyone had found love. Except for me of course.  
  
Then the talk stared again. When would Sam marry me? When would we finally settle down and have a proper family? So one day I made up my mind and I found Sam and took him on one of our walks. We went back to the hill where he had told me he loved Mr. Frodo, and I told him what was on my mind, trying to keep my emotions out of it.  
  
"Sam, they're talking about us."  
  
"I know, Rosie, but what can we do about it? So they'll talk. Then the story will grow old and they'll move on to something new."  
  
"My father won't Sam, you know that. He'll stir up a commotion if you don't marry me. And there isn't anyone else about to take me. So I have this notion. Maybe we should get married. Then they'll stop the talk about us both, and you'll be free to be with Mr. Frodo. No one would suspect a thing if you were married proper."  
  
Sam's eyes went wide with surprise. "But Rosie, then you could never find someone to love yourself!"  
  
I looked down, knowing that if I met his eyes he would know. "That's okay." My words sounded hollow. "There's no one I really fancy. And we get on so well, it would be better than being forced on someone I didn't even like."  
  
"What aren't you telling me Rose Cotton?" he demanded. "There's something else to this plan of yours."  
  
I chewed a fingernail and looked up at him. His eyes widened with realization, though he didn't say anything.  
  
"Well there isn't anyone else I can talk to like I talk to you, Samwise Gamgee. My heart isn't made of stone!"  
  
"Oh, Rosie. You know it can never be." He sounded so sorry.  
  
"I know," I spat out, looking down at my now ragged fingernail. "I'm not stupid. But at least I could be with you and they'd stop that dreadful talk. It just makes it all the worse."  
  
Sam slid a warm finger under my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes. I was crying now, and I didn't really care. "Would that truly make you happy Rosie?" he asked.  
  
"It's the best I can do, under the circumstances. And it will help us both, if your willing. You can explain things to Mr. Frodo."  
  
He was happy, but he didn't want to show it on account of me being so sad. He nodded his head and then pulled me up tight in his arms.  
  
"You are a true friend, Rosie," he told me and my heart just about broke.  
  
So we were married. And that night I slept alone as Sam snuck out of the house and went to see Mr. Frodo to celebrate in their own manner. I sat up for a long while staring into space and wondering if I was to spend the rest of my life pretending that I wasn't alone. Very early in the morning, Sam returned. He thought I was asleep as he slid into bed. He kissed me on the cheek and whispered in the darkness, "Thank you Rosie." For that one moment it was worth everything I had been thought. That one kiss meant the world to me. A few weeks later, Mr. Frodo invited us to live with him at Bag End. To everyone else it looked to be two great friends living together in the same house. They didn't realize that the one who slept alone at night was me.  
  
But hobbits seem to never have enough to talk about. Soon they began to wonder why I didn't have a child. Was I barren? Was there something wrong between me and Sam? And then my mother began to talk in a forlorn voice about grandchildren and how she wanted them so desperate and all, and what was the problem? Why didn't she have any yet?  
  
This all got me to thinking. I'd never considered children before, but I was lonely. Maybe children weren't such a horrible idea. It would be nice to have someone to care for, and who would need and love me with all their heart. I wanted someone to love me so desperately. And for all I was a married woman, I had still never been with a man. So I approached Sam one day.  
  
"I want a baby, Sam," I told him.  
  
That caught him off guard. He nearly fell out of his chair.  
  
"W...what?"  
  
"I want a baby," I repeated. "A baby to take care of. I have little to do around the house all day, and I'm lonely. A baby would keep me occupied and it would stop my mother from asking me about it all the time."  
  
Sam gaped. "Rosie, I...."  
  
His hesitation sparked the resentment that had been building inside of me. "Samwise Gamgee!" I shouted. "You get to run around and have your fun, but I'm left here all alone with only myself and a broken heart everyday. I have never begrudged marrying you. I'm happy just to be near you. But I do not think it is too much to ask that I should at least be given the chance to be a mother!"  
  
Sam looked surprised at my outburst. "I'm sorry, Rosie. I...I guess I forget that this situation is not as ideal for you as it is for me. If that is what you want, then I think we should start a family too."  
  
Somehow I wasn't quite satisfied, but I let the matter drop. Best to give him time to get used to idea for awhile.  
  
The next day I was working in the garden I saw them. I hadn't meant to spy, but when I heard the gasp, what could I do but go an investigate.  
  
Sam and Mr. Frodo were lying on the ground behind the rhododendron kissing each other with a passion. Their shirts lay in a pile beside them as they rolled across the grass. Sam's hands slid across Mr. Frodo's chest and back, everywhere. He moaned as Sam's hands found their way down his trousers. My gaze was captured and I couldn't seem to force myself to look away from them. I crouched low on the other side of the plants and watched them, riveted. I had never seen such behavior before, and yet I found myself strangly drawn to it. Finally Sam broke of the kiss with a sigh. They lay beside each other gasping for breath and I was able to look away. I would have left, I swear, if I had not just then heard my name.  
  
"What about her?" Mr. Frodo's voice asked.  
  
"She wants a baby, Frodo, and I'm going to give her one."  
  
"But that would mean....you can't Sam! Can't...someone else give her a child? I thought you loved me? If you loved me you wouldn't sleep with her." Mr. Frodo sounded upset, and I couldn't really blame him. If I had Sam I wouldn't want to let another person have him.  
  
I heard some rustling and glanced back to see Sam plant a tender kiss on Mr. Frodo's cheek. "Frodo, she loves me. She's sacrificed everything for me. How can I deny her this?" There was a long pause.  
  
"Do you love her, Sam?"  
  
"Yes, I love her. Just not the way I love you. I hate to see her hurting the way she is. I need to do this for her, and I will. I would grant her anything within reason."  
  
"I guess I understand."  
  
"And Frodo?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"She don't deserve to be hurt, so I'm going to make it nice for her. I need to make up for using her like this, even if she does say its what she wants. She's not happy."  
  
"I understand. Just...come back to me soon Sam." There was pain hidden in his voice, as though he couldn't stand the thought of loosing Sam even for a short time.  
  
"Of course."  
  
That night, Sam came to me, and for the first time since our wedding he kissed me on the lips. Only this time there was more. His tongue parted my lips and he ran his hands up and down my sides and under my clothes. He kissed me all over, teasing me with his soft lips. But though his mouth showed me love, his body felt awkward and his movements were stiff. I tried to make him relax, wishing with all my heart that he could be satisfied with the love I could give him, though I knew it was a ridiculous dream. He did enjoy it, I could tell that much. He was very gentle with me, as though he were afraid that I might break if he did something wrong. He kept whispering how he didn't want to hurt me. It did hurt, for a little while, but he kept going until he knew that I was satisfied. When we were through, he took me in his arms and we lay together through the whole night like lovers.  
  
I knew, and Sam knew, and even Mr. Frodo knew that once would not be enough. Sam came to me several times after that, but it was always the same. And as time went on, he became more and more stiff, businesslike. He was kind, but soon his lovemaking served only as a reminder that I would never compare to what he felt for Mr. Frodo. After almost a year I was relieved to be able to come to him and tell him that I was pregnant. I watched his reaction carefully as he sighed and nodded to me. He gave me a big hug and told me he was happy. He even named baby, Elanor, with help from Mr. Frodo. They both loved Elanor dearly, which was lovely for me, because they spent more time at Bag End so they could see the baby.  
  
After a while though, Mr. Frodo started to get sick, and Sam wasn't around much. When he was, he was distracted and worried. I think he told Merry and Pippin something because one day there was a knock at the door, and when I opened it, there was Mr. Merry, grinning at me like he always did.  
  
"Good-afternoon, Rosie," he said with a bow. I let him in and served him tea.  
  
"How goes it with you? I haven't seen you about much."  
  
"I'm quite good, Mr. Meriadoc," I told him. I wasn't sure why he was there, since I'd never talked to him much before so I added, "Sam is out at the moment."  
  
"Oh, but I came to see you!" he said to my surprise. "And do call me Merry. All that Mr. Meriadoc makes me feel old, and I certainly am not that yet." Somehow his words made me smile. That pleased him so he went off and soon we were talking like old friends  
  
And so after that he was always Merry to me. And Mr. Peregrin lost his title as well, since Merry never referred to him as anything but Pip or Pippin. They both came to visit me quite a bit when Sam wasn't about. They were both living quite happily together now. They looked so different from when they'd left, tall and distinguished, that no one really expected them to act like normal hobbits and settle down. And no one thought it odd that they decided to live together, since they had always been the best of friends. Only Sam and Mr. Frodo and I knew the truth about them, and I only knew because Sam had told me in the strictest confidence.  
  
After a few visits, we would get to talking. I could tell that Merry was concerned for me. He knew, I think a bit better than Pip did, that I was lonely. He came around quite a bit.  
  
"Are you okay, Rosie?" he asked me one afternoon. "Really? I know Sam hasn't been around much of late."  
  
"I...I suppose I'm doing well," I answered, bouncing baby Elanor in my arms. "I have the baby to watch most of the time and...."  
  
His eyes were serious and saw through my dissembling. "Rose, you don't have to hide it from me. I can see that you're in love with him. You know he loves you too. Just not...."  
  
My voice overlapped his. "Just not the way he loves Mr. Frodo. Yes Merry, I know."  
  
Merry looked a bit uncomfortable and shifted in his seat. "You know, Rose, if you ever need anything, anything at all, you can always come to Pippin and me. I know we can't give you what you truly want, but we'd certainly welcome you anytime you needed a friend to talk to."  
  
I smiled and thanked him. I recognized the offer as the same one I had made to Sam, so long ago on the hill behind Bag End. I didn't really see a day when I would be able to tell Merry how I really felt.  
  
Then the day came when Mr. Frodo left the Shire forever. I didn't know he was leaving. Sam just said they were going to Rivendale for a while to see Mr. Bilbo. He seemed nervous, as though he suspected something, but I paid it no mind and waved them off. When he finally returned, Sam had the look of a ghost about him. He walked into the house and scarcely saw me. He walked across the room and paused, then turned back to look at me, his eyes wide and full of pain. He looked right through me.  
  
"He's gone," Sam said. "And he's never coming back." And with that he walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind him.  
  
I sat there for a long time, rocking Elanor and thinking. I remembered when Sam had gone away and how I had felt. After a long moment I stood and carried Elanor to her bed. Then I walked into our bedroom.  
  
Sam was lying on the bed, staring blankly at the door. He scarcely blinked when I came in. Tears ran freely down his cheeks, soaking the pillow beside him, but he paid it no mind. I walked over to him and lay down beside him. I wrapped my arms around him, and gently rubbed his back. He buried his head in my neck and wept as I held him all through the night.  
  
After that night, Sam became the model husband in every outward way, but I could tell that his mind was far away in the Gray Havens with Mr. Frodo. Still, the result of his sudden attentiveness was a new child, this time a boy. There was nothing else for Sam but to name the baby Frodo, even though I saw pain in his eyes every time the name was mentioned. He had the feeling of a zombie about him, always wandering, his mind far away.  
  
I started to spend my time away from home, mostly at Merry and Pippin's so as to avoid Sam's blank stares and meaningless conversation. I took little Elanor and baby Frodo with me, and soon they both had taken a liking to their "Uncles" Merry and Pip. The two hobbits always seemed thrilled to have the little ones around. They seemed to regret the fact that they could not have children of their own, so it felt good to be able to share my own with them. Sam seemed happy to be able to be alone, and I think he spent much of the time crying, because the pillows were always a little damp when I went to bed at night.  
  
One afternoon there came a knock at the door, and I saw Gandalf standing there. I invited him in, but he told me that he was here to see Sam and that he needed to talk to him alone, outside. I fetched Sam and waited inside, nursing the baby, listening to the incoherent mumblings outside. When Sam came back in, he had an air about him I had not felt for years, a sort of lightness of heart that had disappeared when Mr. Frodo started to become ill. He went immediately into his room and soon I could hear the rustling about of various things.  
  
Curious I stood and went over to the door. I looked in and saw that Sam had taken out his suitcase and was filling it with clothes.  
  
"Sam," I asked softly from the doorway, still holding Frodo to my chest. "What are you doing?"  
  
Sam looked up and met my eyes, and right then I knew what he was going to say.  
  
"I'm leaving, Rosie. I'm going to the Gray Havens to be with Frodo."  
  
I stood in the doorway, knowing that it was the only thing that he could do. He certainly couldn't stay here, miserable for the rest of his life. And yet part of me wanted to yell at him, ask him how he could leave his children, his home...me.  
  
Sam stepped over to me and gently took me by the shoulders looking deeply into my eyes.  
  
"It's the way it has to be, Rosie, dear. I love you, I really do, but I can never be happy here. You deserve to be free of me. I only keep you from finding happiness yourself."  
  
I knew the truth of his words, but at the moment I didn't care that it would be best for me in the end. All I knew was that my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces. All I knew was that it felt like the day on the hill behind Bag End when I found out that Sam would never be mine. I jerked from his arms and ran out of the room into the hall, trying to escape his sorrowful eyes, but I tripped and fell to my knees, hunched over clutching the baby to my chest.  
  
Sam came around and knelt down in front of me. All the sorrow and misery that had built up inside of me over all those years began to pour forth. Every moment shunned, every kiss that hadn't meant a thing, every night I spent with Sam knowing he wanted to be with Mr. Frodo instead of me; it all came rushing out in a flood of tears that seemed to never cease. I sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like hours, with Sam sitting beside me, rubbing my back as I purged the pain of the past years.  
  
When the wracking sobs finally ceased, Sam forced me to look into his eyes.  
  
"Rosie, you've done so much. I know that. It has meant more to me than anything in the world. I would do anything for you, even stay here if that would truly make you happy. What do you want?"  
  
What did I want? The question hovered in the air.  
  
"What I want? I want to wake up beside you in the morning and be able to see in your face that there is no one else you would rather be seeing. I want to know without a doubt that you love me as much as I love you. I want you to need me. But that can never happen, Sam. You can never give me that." I reached up and cupped his cheek in my hand, feeling its rough warmth. "Go Sam. Be with Mr. Frodo. Be happy again. That's what I want."  
  
Two weeks later I stood beside Gandalf's cart as he flicked the reins and drove off, with Sam in the passenger's seat. I stood at my door, the picture of a perfect wife, waving my handkerchief as they drove off, calling for Sam to return soon so that the neighbors wouldn't start their talk again. I stood there and watched them drive away until they were no more than a dot among the rolling hills. Then I went into my house and lifted baby Frodo from his cradle and took little Elanor by the hand. I put a few things in a pack, and mounted up on Gilly, my pony.  
  
When I reached Merry and Pippin's I knocked on the door and was greeted by Merry. He knew what had happened that day and welcomed me into his home with a warm hug. He fetched Pipping and soon I was seated at their table, sipping a cup of tea silently as I contemplated how I was going to present my case to them both. After a long moment I just plunged into it.  
  
"I have to get away from here," I told him. "I can't stand living in Hobbiton, or even the Shire anymore. Everything reminds me of Sam, and I have to escape him."  
  
Merry nodded. "I understand."  
  
Now for the hard part. "I can't take the children with me. They're not old enough to understand leaving so suddenly, or hardy enough to go where I'm headed."  
  
"You wish for me and Merry to take them?" Pippin asked, saving me from having to say it myself.  
  
I nodded. "You two always wanted children, and I think you would make far better parents to them than I would, and with Sam gone, they have no father."  
  
"And what do I tell them when they ask where their mother went and why she left them?" Merry's eyes were serious.  
  
"Tell them the truth. When they're old enough to hear it, of course. Perhaps one day they can find it in themselves to forgive me." I looked down. "Maybe one day I'll come back, but I can't stay now." I knew I was repeating myself, but how was I to justify this? I was leaving my children behind. And yet Merry and Pippin seemed to understand.  
  
So it was decided. Elanor was young enough that she was thrilled at the thought to spending the night at Uncle Merry's, and Frodo was asleep in Pippin's arms as I left. With my pack on Gilly's back, I mounted up and waved goodbye to my children and my friends. From there I turned my horse and with a slight kick I moved away from the house. When I reached the end of the lane I paused, my heart pulling me back to my home, but my mind pushing me forward. At the moment I knew that if I looked back I would never be able to leave. I gave Gilly a hard kick and galloped away into the setting sun. I didn't know where I was going, but I knew that where I was going I would be able to start over again, and that was all that mattered.  
  
A/N: Okay, there is the slight possibility that I could write more on this one, but it all depends on the feedback I get. If you want to hear more then let me know. I welcome all kinds of feedback, so tell me what you thought of my writing style, interpretation, etc. If I get enough people telling me to continue then I'll write some more. 


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